Grace - a birth story

Our stories need to be told.  As mama's no one talks about the bad, the ugly, the hard parts of labor and delivery.  I never knew.  Please let's unite together as mamas and share our stories, all of our stories.  This is for all the mama's out there who need to tell their stories - I hope this encourages you. #tellyourbirthstory

Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.
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~HEBREWS 4:16~

My 4th pregnancy - it should be a breeze right? 

I was told during my second pregnancy that each is different to remind us that each child is different.  At the time, it didn't really mean much to me, but now it makes so much sense.  We found out we were expecting 2 weeks after my 92 year old grandmother had passed away.  She is named after her Ruby-{Marie} Grace.  

This pregnancy was nothing like the other 3.  I was so sick, nothing sounded good to eat - and for me this was difficult because I was so used to eating healthy.  She wanted nothing to do with healthy!!  I tried my best and ended up finally quitting my workouts at 26 weeks pregnant.  My food freedom went down the drain...she wasn't having it.  Gained 50lbs (more than any other baby).

From the beginning I should have known - she was going to be different - this pregnancy was different - wouldn't the delivery be different too - I never thought it would be.  I picked the day two weeks in advance.  I never did this with my other 3 kids - it was always just at my 39 week appointment I was just ready to be induced.  All 3 babies were text book perfect inductions.  All were born within 14 minutes of each other.  Same exact process for each one of them and all perfect vaginal delivers.  Not #4 - she ended in an emergency cesarean.  I never once thought this would happen, I wasn't prepared - mentally.  I had never discussed this with my doctor.  I just never thought this would happen to me.  God had different plans for us that day - August 29, 2019

Let me paint the picture of this day for you.  We arrived to the hospital just like we did the other 3 babies that morning at 6am.  We didn't get a room until 7:30 - already behind schedule.  We got the LAST room available that morning.  An hour later (3 IV sticks later) my IV was placed and Pitocin was finally started. Nothing really seemed to be happening - everything was slow from the beginning - nothing seemed right.  So they cranked up my Pitocin.  I finally was beginning to feel more contractions and was ready for my water to be broken, so I asked for my epidural.  Bare with me for this next one...

Epidural was placed.  About 5 minutes later, my eyes shut, my arms go numb, I begin feeling the medicine creep up my chest.  I cannot open my eyes.  I hear voices, but it sounds like I'm in a tunnel, walking away from everyone.  They ask me to squeeze their hands and I try, but my grip is going.  They administer oxygen.  I was TERRIFIED.  This wasn't right, this wasn't normal...I knew - I'd had 3 other epidurals before.  My husband says this all just lasted 10 minutes, but seemed like hours to me.  They were able to reverse it somehow, and placed a second epidural.  She was fine the entire time I was going through what seemed like hell.

My doctor broke my water.  The contraction monitor quit measuring contractions on my belly due to the amount of epidural medicine I had been given, so they had to place an internal contraction monitor.  At this point my contractions were not close together - in fact my nurse said they were getting farther apart.  None of this was normal...I had had 3 babies already.  I knew...

My nurse came in and told me it was time to start pushing after she told me I was only 8.5cm - again this wasn't normal...why push when I'm not complete?  I tried pushing.  Her face went blank.  She said "I think I feel butt and vagina".  We were so confused.  They did an Ultrasound.  The other nurses face was blank.  I asked "Whats wrong"?  They finally told me, "She is breech". 

"She is breech."

I had laid there all day.  I had labored all day.  I had been pumped with so much medicine from the epidural disaster.  I was, at this point, an emotional wreck.  They told me I could try to deliver her vaginally because she was my 4th baby, but there was a risk that her head could get caught.  No way in the world would I even consider risking that.  So I consented for a cesarean.  I was asked if I wanted a tubal litigation while I was in surgery.  I opted for that as well.  Never had I once talked to my doctor about either...I was TERRIFIED.  

I had heard stories of my friends feeling the incision from the medicine not working.  This is immediately where my mind went.  My nurse prayed over us before we were wheeled back to surgery, she could tell I was emotionally distraught at this point.  ​​

After being prepped for surgery, only having medicine from my epidural and not the regular spinal given to cesarean patients, I laid on the table shaking.  My arms started going numb again.  I was crying.  I was scared.  I just wanted to hold my baby, and I just wanted her to be ok.  They kept asking if I wanted something for the anxiety and I kept telling them no.  I don't remember much here.  I kept blacking out.  I could feel hands inside my belly.  It didn't hurt but it made me feel like I was blacking out.  My husband told me when they took her out.  I don't remember. I don't remember much of anything in that OR room.  There are pictures of me and her, but I don't remember seeing her until one hour later in recovery.  ​

You see, my 3 other babies I got to hold them immediately after giving birth for 2 hours before I was even taken out of the birthing room.  These moments were so very special.  I feel like I was robbed of that.  ​

My first delivery ended in a third degree tear plus an episiotomy.  I would take that pain any day over having a cesarean.  The pain, the recovery, the mental fatigue that was all connected with this delivery were far more difficult than any other birth I had experienced.  

After all my body had just been cut open.  I felt like I had been mauled. I had no choice, she had to get here and this was the only way.

Maybe if I was told going in to this delivery that she was breech before having had to labor all day, before being stuck 3 times for an IV, before being pumped with so much medicine from a failed epidural....maybe this wouldn't have been so bad.  It was traumatic.  My body endured trauma.  My brain endured trauma.  You get the picture.  Why wasn't I told sooner that she was breech?  ​

Some things I'll never know the answers too.  What I do know is that God's hands were present all over that birthing room with us that day.  Her umbilical cord was wrapped about her neck twice.  If I had opted to try to deliver her vaginally who knows what would have happened.  God showed me grace throughout this entire pregnancy, from beginning to end.  I had to give up a lot of things, but with His undying love and grace I got through it all.    

She is here.  She is perfect.  Our bond is inseparable.  She is my Grace.  I thank God for her!!  

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
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~​2 Corinthians 12:9~